How much time do you spend getting ready in the morning?
Some of the wealthiest people in the world maintain a minimalistic routine to prevent themselves from expending too much brain power making morning decisions. For me, and for many of you I’m sure, it’s a little more complicated than that. You value self-expression and you enjoy the opportunity to try new things and make a statement about who you are through your personal style.
Every time we walk out of the house, we open ourselves up to judgment. Even if it’s done silently, the people we encounter make assumptions about us based on what we look like and how we carry ourselves.
As an influencer at the beginning of her career, I’ve had to get accustomed to adding a layer to that already-existent pressure. Imagine: you + phone + tripod…posing, dancing, or creating a skit...in a random location…in front of people who don’t understand what you’re doing or why.
This shoot was my very first solo photo shoot, and I didn’t even consider how silly I would feel when I started to get going. The cool thing was that, once I got comfortable, many people took a genuine interest in seeing me do my thang. One or two came up to me to ask my name and find out if I was already internet famous. Another, however, was maybe a bit too interested…
I noticed a man hovering around me as I walked through the park. Where I went, he followed. Observing. Staring. As uncomfortable as it was, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary until he grabbed a chair and positioned it so that he could keep watching, even as I moved to different areas.
It occurred to me that I was in public after all. Maybe he was enjoying the park just like everyone else. Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with me.
Nope.
No matter where I went or what I did, he was actively engaged. I took nearly 400 pictures over the course of two hours, and he sat watching for every. single. one.
Admittedly, it was just funny to me at first. It’s like when something happens to you in real life that seems like an exaggerated myth from some kind of corny movie. But as I thought more about, it really sucked.
There is a lot of controversy about Me Too-related topics and something like this is no different. Many people would say I’m responsible for making the choice to put on a revealing bright green dress and take pictures of myself in a public place.
That is true.
And yes, by nature of the career I’m trying to build, I do want attention.
Where, then, is the line?
The problem in this situation I think is best understood within context of the culture.
Even when one’s intentions are pure, the impact of his actions will always be measured according to the biases of the people by whom he is surrounded. Everything in life is up to interpretation, and the line between fact and feeling grows narrower as the age of information progresses. Here, the *fact* is that this mystery man didn’t touch me. He didn’t even speak to me. He didn’t do anything outside of his rights. But given my vulnerability as a woman solo traveler and my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, being watched overtly by someone I don’t know makes me feel threatened. Nothing I do makes it okay for anyone else to cross the line.
And yet - we will never know whether this man’s intention was to pursue me further or not.
I was recently discussing the phenomenon on TikTok wherein women call out men for leering at them in the gym, and that’s yet another example of the challenge of finding a balance: mislabeling coincidence or innocent behavior as harassment diminishes the seriousness of legitimate complaints and compromises social trust and comfort for people trying to navigate otherwise simple interpersonal dynamics. At the same time, the cultural stigma and necessity for defensiveness when trying to discuss discomfort makes it hard to move the needle forward on handling the topic with the appropriate attention, delicacy, and fairness.
What do you think the solution might be?